christmas carol

Wooo, sending christmas wishes can be so moving, so loaded with emotions. I almost written I love you.
I didn't.
Oh no, I've written it, but not in serious manner, I was mocking Toki from
'Metalocalypse' and his fucked up grammar. I didn't mean it. Or i did?
At least i didn't mean in 'I'm dying because of you' way.
Or I did?
I'm really not realy sure what I ment when I wrote those words. I know that you've been someone very close and very special and I will always have some feelings for you.
And probably there will be many more situations in which I will imagine, that onyl thing separating me from you is thin, glass wall and only thing i can do is stare at you. Or turn my back and walk away, which I tried to do yesterday and it hurt.

I wish I was like you, easily amused

Mwahahahaha. It's ironic, isn't it?
I mean... finally I feel I'm in position to say sth like this. I hate this lyrics, because it is so mean, it's like saying "I'm far more dark and complicated than you". But using it now gives me hint of satisfaction. I feel the power of being superior, mwahahaha
Because I wish I could fall in love with every person representing opposite sex that gives me some attention. I could've fell in love with K. but I have bad luck to be picky. So probably I will have to wait next one hundred years of solitude to find someone above the ground again.
Anyway, I'm really happy for you, babe! I can't write it to you right now, because i have to keep distance, but I'm really glad that you started to live again and that I made a good choice this time and I hope you will be ok! Just don't tell her about previous girls, you moron!
I keep my fingers crossed ^^
chirp

Winter kept us warm, covering earth in forgetful snow

Alert! Forgetfull snow doesn't work!
Yesterday I felt free, I was walking through the snow and singing "Bring me the disco king" and I just felt light and happy and not chained to you anymore.
And now I'm fighting with myself because I don't want to look at your fb, pb, whatever. I just don't want to. Not today. I have to remind myself why i decided to say goodbye and wy we are better off this way. ]
I just have to survive Sunday and then I will feel free again.

It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Somehow it still bothers me. No big deal, I just want to know that you are all right and that you feel better. I know I can’t write to you. It wouldn’t do any good – to you and to me. I would start to talk about our glorious past, you would claim that there is no need to come back to those times and now you’re perfectly fine. I know you would, you used to do that a lot. You even tricked me few times, I really was convinced thay you don’t give a damn and I was sad and angry because of it.
Now I know you cared. And that you also suffered after we split. You suffered much more than I did, because you took me to almost every place you usually go to, I was in your room, I slept in your bed, I wore your shirts. So I’m not angry that you became sore and tried to push me away.
I know that I can’t be your friend, not now at least. It’s a little bit sad, but at least I understand. Do you know, what I would like to do the most?
I’d like to appear in front of you, - just like that. Maybe as some kind of ghost or vision. When I lay in bed I’m trying to concentrate on you, and appear in your dream. I would wear your shirt – the one you gave me and I painted it green, red and orange. In this vision it is still black-and-white. You would be lying on your bed, your head turned to the wall. I would sit next to you and touch your arm gently. Then I’d embrace you and whisper quietly to your ear: “I’m sorry for the whole pain I gave you. I hope you’re ok now.” Then I would kiss you in the forehead and stay with you until you fall asleep again.

Heart! We will forget him!

Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!
(Emily Dickinson)

Heh, easy to say. I still remember him in very peculiar way. i remember his voice, his kisses and his hands. I wonder how he could've felt while touching my body. His face... I cannot bare to look at his face, even on the pictures. It seems hostile to me, because oh how he was acting towards me recently. I just...
I've got Itachi's syndrome again, my mind blocks the things that are too tiring to think about. And that is good.

There's a fine fine line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
(Avenue Q)
And many, many other songs, so fitting to the situation? Why does everybody need to write about break-ups? -.-'
I feel hm... relief, because it was in the air since our last meeting. Because i wasn't able to say good-bye when you were so happy. We would start to hate each other if I decided to wait some more time.
And regret, because i wasn't able to change your attitude. And because the sky is over. And because you didn't ask me to stay. It was very warm good-bye though. Like everything between us. Good beggining, very nice meetings, warm farewell. You called me 'princes' one last time. Thank you for everything, my love. Have a good life. You deserve it.
And I deserve it. I'm sad, I can't listen almost half of my playlist, but I know, that I can have more... much more than i could have if I stayed by your side.
Just came to say: goodbye, love, goodbye, love... just came to say: goodbye love..
hello.

For I will never forget your face behind the window of this parting train

Why it has to be like that? When I'm with you everything is so simple, there are no problems, no understatements, no misunderstanding. I know I love you more than anyone and I don't care for the way our relationship develops. I don't need to talk with you about anything important and be serious. Kids just want to have fun.
Why I can't remember about it when I'm back home? Why I keep thinking about your problems, my problems and problems in general?

One thing I didn't know. I didn't realize that you also feel bad when I'm leaving. Egoistic bitch, I thought I am the one who suffers the most and I'm the one coming back to empty house. I'm sorry, I didn't know... I didn't really think that you care about it, you seemed to be so indifferent.
And I guess I don't want to say goodbye on the train station anymore. Too long, too heartbreaking. Next time I will just get on the bus as if nothing really happened. For I will never forget your face...

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Ok, this is bad. I love you, baby, but I have the impression that I can't help you anymore. I became too weak.
Wonderfull months, they were. I believed that I can help you, i can change you and make you feel better, but now you're sad and dissapointed again and I have the feeling that I let you down. And you let me down, because you're not even trying. I love you, and you're not even trying to work things out.
Why all of this turn out like that? Because I finally slept with you? It is over? In this way? With this feeling that we helped each other to deal with problems and then pushed that problems into our throats? Thanks.

I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

I love you.
I want you to know that I love you.
At the same time I don't want to be annoying, I don't want you to get bored. I can't force myself to writing romantic crap. But I want you to know how important you are.
I want to know that you love me, even a little. And when you start to tell me this I'm getting annoyed very quickly. Empty words of highschool lover.I mean, I believe in them, I want to believe, but I can't listen to them too often.
I want to be your princess, like at the very beginning.
I have to find my way to express my feelings without annoying both of us.

coin-operated boy

I remember one moment. We were standing in some kind of dark storeroom, very close to each other. I remember your body, weak, shaking, like if you were about to lose controll. You were leaning on me and I was afraid that you will faint and fall on this dirty floor. You were mine, I had to take care of you, because I was the one who made you so weak. I put all my effort to hold you.
That moment was perfection itself.
In that moment you loved me and I loved you more than ever before.
And I know that if we loved each other even in that short moment, it was worth and I won't regret meeting you.
Whatever the case may be.

that's the doubt

That's the best - and that's the test in it
That's the doubt - doubt, not trust in it
That's the sight - and that's the sound of it
That's the gift - and that's the trick in it

but this time I don't want to make dramatic decisions after first doubt. let's wait, let's see

Unreal city

Unreal. Everything so unreal. This saturday morning, your hands, your lips, your shirt. Your voice in my ear.
As if it didn't happen. As if I wasn't lying in your bed.
One day and one night is not enough to believe that you are real.

I'm a rabbit in your headlights, scared of the spotlight

Hah, looks like I overreacted again.
And well, that completely explains why I don't like falling in love. I'm getting overemotional.
Damn it, I can't be a rabbit, I can't allow myself to be a rabbit. I'm an owl. Someone has to be a beast of prey in this relationship.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light

It seems to me that this so called 'love' is just a moment of ballance.
Between absolute honesty and lies
Between indifference and obsession
Between selfishness and selflessness
Between fear and illusion of being safe
Between the desperate need of protecting and yearning for being protected

And in that sense yeah, i guess I love you.

With eyes so dialated I've become your pupil

"One baby to another says
I'm lucky to have met you
I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me
(...)
Chew your meat for you
Pass it back and forth
In a passionate kiss
From my mouth to yours
I like you"
K.C.

That was just... perfect picture of the way this relation is developing.
A pair of egoistic, egocentric kids, we are. Indeed.
It is very positive, though.
But I don't really care, I just want this month to be over.

Eternal youth is the landscape of the lie

Och crap.
It was kind of cool. It was really nice nad sweet because even if I was aware of certain feelings.. well... more like possibilities of feelings, I had the comfort to ignore them. I didn't give a damn, I had this 'whatever the case may be' attitude.
Until some wise and experienced people decided to enlighten me and tell me that I'm in love.
Which is not the case. I suppose.
But c'mon, now I will have all weekend of 'what if' dillemas.
I don't mean that I don't want to fall in love, it is more the matter of register. "Being in love" is kind of hyperbolisation. Too high level.
I just have a good contact with one person, we like each other and we can lead long, abstract conversations and I would prefer things to stay that way.
Don't mix 'L o v e' into it.

Hey you see me, pictures crazy

I still don't know what will happen next. I guess I will have to wait, at least few days. Till we have a spare moment to talk. Whatever the case may be, thank you for that day.
Cracow is good city for being kissed, embraced, touched. Very good city. The best one. Ok, that was just sweet.
I'm so chaotic right now.

Do you love me, do you hate me, do you wanna believe me?

Very, very strange weekend. new, complicated relations appeared. Someone above the ground. Somebody I can't just evaluate as stupid or pathetic. somebody I find my equal. I may be wrong. I can easily get hurt by it, I know. It's just a feeling, and it may be wrong. I'm almost hundrer percent sure I'm wrong and I'm seen as an idiot.
I won't fall in love. I'm afraid. I don't want to destroy this good communication we have now.
This "understanding" is something fragile. something worth to be protected.

light my candle in a daze cause I found God

It's good to have a friend. Someone who doesn't ask what's wrong and doesn't really want to know, but who is ready to hug you.
I feel... warmer than half an hour before.
It's good to know that besides all that weird emo kids, emotional vampires and hysterical girls I met, there are some truly good people. Maybe unemotional and distanced at first sight, but worth much more than "you are my only true friend, I love you, don't leave me" mates.
And I can't write in english. In academical english especially.
Ok, tea, make-up and I'm ready to conquer the world.

It's like a final chapter no one reads because the plot is over.

It's not like I really want to cry
I'd like to vomit. Seriously
We, people, are pathetic, little beings. stupid in so many different ways it is almost fantastic.
Find someone to be with only because you want to be free from loving someone else. No matter who it will be, no matter where he or she will be found. Doesn't matter to you, right? No matter how this person will feel about it and how the relation will turn out to be.
Yopu just want to PROVE. to SHOW us, and probably yourself, that you can forget and you are not chained to anyone, that you CAN find another friends. Better and not toxic friends. And you don't even bother to care about people on whose shoulders you've been crying your heart out through last few months. You just expect them to be happy for you. nevermind tbat your negative emotions and your strange ways of thinking intoxicated them and made them sick.
I don't blame you.
This is just so... pathetic. So human.
also...
talk all your time about what and who you hate and how you don't want to do something. Don't you, girls, have ANY life besides our uni? Like... seriously?
This is sad.
p a t h e t i c
I think I'm gonna vomit.



...
„You seem incredibily faraway to me, like someone on the other side of the lake. A dot so small that is isn’t male or female or young or old; it is just smiling”
(Miranda July, "the swim team"

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down

Just watch your steps, baby. The line is very thin, you should be carefull. Or you will fall down with this bridge.
Dance, dance, dance
And watch your steps.

Love myself better than you, I know it's wrong, so what should I do?

How should I interpret this "cool and lonely style"? But ok, probably I don't want to know.
We are happy, egoistic people.
Good night.

April is the cruelest month

How much Elliot had to drink to write "waste land"?
Hangover.
Like... seriously. First time since December I'm suffering due to intoxication. God. I almost forgot how it feels. I just wanted to smoke some hookah with friends, I didn't want to drink wine my father produced, I didn't want to add this wine to sheesha instead of water, I didn't want to make green jelly. I didn't want to have hangover, I don't deserve it.
I'm genius. I can piss off my mother only by going to kitchen to get some water and answering few questions. I just told her that I have no idea how to make printer work, I've got hangover and I'm going to Katowice on weekend and I was hundred percent sure I told her about it before. All of theese are true.
And well, I received good news yesterday. I'm glad. I don't like to watch things fall apart and I felt terrible being involved and not involved at the same time.
On the other hand... There are people who seem likeable only when they are in their downs. Gregory House for example.

changed, changed utterly: A terrible beauty is born.

Ok, I don't really get it. I mean, I'm not sure whose fault it is, but every time we all fail and do stupid things, that girl is the one, who dissapoints me the most. It is sad, because I really don't expect anything big, any acts of altruism or maturity - it is not the case. And somehow she is still able to make me feel all alone. Every. single time.
Perhaps it's because the rest of us prefer to move near the edges, to feel this hints of danger, and she is more or less in the safe middle, just like me. And she just loves to turn her back and say 'I don't care, it's not my problem' while it more her problem than mine.
And I can't really decide, whether I like Yeats or not. I mean, his rhymes are kind of simple and after some time annoying, but some verses are just... woah, they are spells. they have this power.

maybe it's because I'm the one of us to survive

Bah
Dragon is hungry. Again. Fuck.

rape me, my friend

Probably I'm overreacting like always, but...
I guess I understand what Cobain ment by this lyrics. I mean, 'rape' in the sense of overusing somone's trust. Doing something you'd never, ever expected. It hurts. I will forgive, obviously I will, but...
God, we're so hopeless as human beings. We should be antyhing else, even dragons, but no, not humans.

You must have been so high

Ok, yeah, I was mumbling about winter and boredom and grey, depressing world, but c'mon.It was gloomy and sad, I was crying like...about half of the night, next day I got up early in the morning, it wasn't dark outside, then after yeah... fascinating practical grammar classes, I went on Piotrkowska street. God, it was first warmer day already and it was almost possible to f e e l, how the street is waking up, resurecting, whatever. People with instruments, cameras, foreign students... It is absolutely fabulous! today new literature classes with new instructor, she looks like witch from those russian horror stories my friend lent me. Scary like hell. She is almost a dwarf and she had this evil hidden deep in her eyes. And yeah, it is the point when new reading list for this semester is something I can get excited about. 20th century is nice, I remember half of those books and it will be nice to read them once again.
And I finished first part of my... hm..novel? Novella?"Impossibly plain vision". Very much roleplaying story, I started to write it because friend I'm usually playing with has her matura exams and therefore she is ignoring me currently. Our characters are there, they're back in early 1990's. 1994, yeah The year Kurt Cobain died. I know it's stupid, very, very stupid, but sometimes I wish i was born few years earlier. Partly because of the history and partly because of good music which I discovered too late. No chances to see and experience live version at all.
And you know, passing from winter downs to enthusiasm, empathy, poppies and creativity gives weird impression. I'm feeling... high
lol.

it's now my duty to completely drain you

Damn, my computer broke down, I'm using my parents laptop which is kind of shitty.
I'm continuing the idea of deconstructions and creations, I'm writing some kind of weird story about angels in the city. Feels so good to feel again. Too much Nirvana, I've got no music, only some old CD's, including their discography. Somehow is kind of... cool. I mean, no computer, just few minutes which I can make when my mum is not at home, listening to music I was keen on when i was in prep. school, good old times are back again.
I don't know if what I feel is being sorry for troubles with your girlfriend and compassion or the feelings I had for you and I still have some. C'mon, I'm a woman, I need to feel attractive, I admitt it, I need intimate contact. I just... feel need to sexual relatinship with someone. Or maybe it's just the hope for spring.

In the someday what's that sound

I don't want to feel depressed, tired and sick of everything! I want to feel light, better, changed. I need metamorphose, I need spring, I need fire, power, energy!
"...Need to express, to comunicate!
to going agaist the brain, going insane, going mad"
Deconstructions and creations help, but somehow... I feel they are bad. Fascinating somehow, tempting, full of destructive power, but not exactly good for me. Destructive, yes. Because you have right to destroy and cut in pieces everything and you're not supposed to feel sorry for it, it's just a piece of paper and you will use it to create something else. I'm already slightly obsessed about scissors and pictures in newspapers.
I want to... I want to cut my hair short... I mean shorter than they are after wisiting hairdresser. She dyed them pink, yes, splendid. Now they look like bubble gum. Bubble gum art is still art. The problem is, I want to have rainbow in my hair, I want them to be short and colorfull, and no hairdresser with slightest feel of taste will help me do it.

And I swallowed his fasade, cause I'm so eager to identify

And the winter exam session begins. Damn, I almost forgot how annoying it it. I got B from psychology and A from basics of sociology. Shame that I'm resigning from this course anyway.
Have been to Cracow, visited shisha bar. And I want to go somewhere again, when I find the oportunity. It's so depressing here during winter.

"... with someone above the ground,someone who seemed to feel the same,someone prepared to lead the way, with someone who would die for me"
I've never thought I would really feel those lyrics so deeply.

I know, you love the song but not the singer

We can put it this way, as well. Guy just loved being with a girl, feeling fast heartbeat and so on. Not the singer. There can be another singer. With easier access. Stupid me to believe that I depend on stupid you? Oh, well, not like I really care now. It's a little bit sad, anyways.
I
a m
i n d i f f e r e n t

ps: January is the hell of a month. Too much love and rejection in the air. And somehow never in my life, just everywhere around. Damn
I wish I was in Cracow today.

Dream brother, my killer, my lover

I hate this month. C'mon, it's cold, it's snowing all the time, and there are no holiday to look forward to. No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no, and it's begginning to snow. Again.
There are only winter exams, coming closer and closer each day. I'm amost glad because of them. I have something to think about, I need to concentrate, plan everything in advance. Essays to write, books to read, materials to prepare. No room to think about faraway future, "what if" and "oh my god, I think I love him in my own way, but I don't want to be with him anyway, and besides he doesn't love me back, because why would he and...".
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.
I'm in some kind of romantic mood right now. I'm reading Wuthering Heights, I watched "Sid and Nancy" few days ago, "rent" was on tv yesterday... yeah.