the winter is coming

I had wonderful weekend with the Game of Thrones and Ned Stark. And then it changed into fantastic week with Sean Bean, Lord of the Rings and obsessing about certain fanfiction. Good old times. I felt secured and strong and I was constantly amusing myself with little jokes, eventhough my health was kind of worrying. And then one phonecall ruined everything for everybody. Ok, well, maybe not for everybody but at least for me. This is some kind of an absurd situation and I am not really sure how to behave. But I'm starting to think that watching the execution of Ned once more would be a neat idea.
It is sad that I thought that I found new friends and suddenly I realised that they are ignoring me and making me feel socially invisible. All because Kate is so beautiful and elf-like and she draws attention of every male in my enviroment. And for some reason I cannot really connect with her. We would make fantastic friends if I could though. Kinda sad. But it seems that everyone ignores me because of her good qualities and again I've got the part of less interesting and less attractive background. Fuck this shit
Ned Stark, here I come to watch you die.

Lost keys

And here I am. Starting new degree of studies without money, without work, without own flat, without love. And it's getting cold, outside and inside. There are dementors out there and I need to eat a lot of chocolate. Or I guess I just don't know. When I went on the uni the first time everything was so new, so easy, so fascinating. Now it's just strange. I guess I have friends, I have somebody to talk to, but I have nobody who inspires me, nobody I would like to follow. A student without a master, that's who I am. I don't want to quote "eulogy" once again, but I really need this now. And I need to tell somebody the story of my life.
More and more often I think that this strange something I had with my sweet prince was good. Very good. We were the perfect fit, it's a shame we didn't survive. I guess I partly put the blame on our mutual friend. I wonder how would it be without her bitching about the need of having an relationship. Maybe it would be worse. maybe we got so close and so intimate because our mutual friend became our enemy. I don't know, I miss him and I know I will never talk to him again. It's forbidden by my power of self-respect. If he wanted to have contact with me, he would. I gave him a chance in june, but he ignored it. Whatever. And I'm angry with her, because by ingoring me and not informing about the change of plans she harms me more than he ever had.

dreaming of screaming

Oh God, this is a trap. And I kind of hate it.
my life is so easy and non-problematic, that I should feel ashamed to even think that I could understand what you have to go through. Because I will never be able to understand how it is to finish three years of relatnionship which should end at least a year earlier. Of course I don't know how it is, but there is something called imagination. I know how I felt when I had to say goodbye and I can somehow cube it. And I'm worried about you and I try to help you somehow, but you just push me away. Because I cannot understand that. Sounds like well-known scheme.
What I really would like to do is to shout at you. Right in your face.
because you underestimate my feelings and when I was right after breakup you tried to convince me not to think about it and that nothing happened. And you would probably kill me if I advised you the same thing. Because you cannot see beyond your suffering. Because you should've finished this something long ago and you have no right to claim that my thing was less serious and less intense because I never called it proper relationship. My stupid six months were as important as your three stupid, empty years, fuck off!
And now I'm really mad at you, but I have to controll myself because I don't want to hurt you when you are so vunerable.

You are not alone dear loneliness

There really are days when I think I will never forget about last year, about being on the planet of kissing, about black and white shirt. Than your melody really is imprinted in my heart like a wax, even if you forgot my melody a long time ago.
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same, what do you want me to be?
I really want to forget, find someone new, someone better, someone who would be a good math for me. I'm trying to forget, but there are some days when I'm afraid that it's impossible and I am pathetic because of that and nobody listens.

eulogy

- I didn’t love him.
- But you did, you did! You loved him more than your own sanity!
- Well, that’s probably because I didn’t love my sanity either.
- More than your peace of mind
- that’s a different story.

cuz I'm [still!] so eager to identify with
Someone above the ground,
Someone who seemed to feel the same,
Someone prepared to lead the way, with
Someone who would die for me.

Stranger things have happened I know

"What do you want from me?"
Simple question. Simple answers.
Kiss you and kill you.
Talk to you
Annoy you
Make you think.
Give you hope that I am your lover-to-be.
Creep you out. Torture.
I don't know. Nothing
There is nothing I can expect from you.
And besides stalking is not legal any more. My life is ruined.

Remember me, special needs

"Old Gatsby. Old Sport. It killed Me."
Me too, Holden. Me too.
this is the moment I reached perfect understanding witch my Ba thesis's hero. We both love Jay Gatsby.

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved

7 Impossible things I want to do with someone very close:
1.sit on the roof of a building.
2.Drink aromatic, expensive tea in a beautifull, old teahouse
3.Be given a flower. Let’s say a poppy, or something like that. Just so
4.Sing and play instruments together
5.Text with each other using lyrics and quotes from movies, prose and poetry
6.Travel somewhere far by train
7.Be an ispiration. Have pictures taken and poems written about me.
8.Love and be loved

Stupid me to believe I could depend on stupid you

So, time to say goodbye once again. It was bad for me. was it bad for you?
"Because the wind... you know, I'm like a wind, I can't stay too long in one place".
Oh, srsly? Well, that's poetic. That's pathetic.
Because, maybe you know the tale about the wind and the rose in the garden? Oh, you don't? You don't know so many things, about life, about people, about literature, creating, about everything I treasure. You've been an ignorant. And yet, you've been my sweet prince.
"When he’s sad
Kiss his forehead and I will thank you
Because he is a young prince
And his robes are too heavy for him
His crown falls down
Around his ears"
Yes! I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR MELODY! It will be imprinted on my heart like wax!
Tehehehe, I'm Eurydice. And now big part of me hates you guts. For making me believe you and then leaving. Coward. Pathetic little creature. A rat that by accident was able to catch an owl and wants to play with the food. Stupid kid. Did you really think I'm fluffy little creature with big eyes who will cling to you no matter what you do? I'm as cruel and manipulative as you, I just hapenned to fall for you because of my mercy. I could've crash you, crash your spirit, but I didn't, you should be gratefull for that. I could've killed you.

You can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium

The time stopped, I'm just looking at the clock, of the minutes passing. Nothing changes.
I'm so worried about him. Whether he is strong enough to survive this punch. And I don't know how to behave, what to do. I'm helpless, but I want to be strong enough to stand by him. At least for now.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away

I'm afraid i can fall for you once again. Eventhough I thoutght it was impossible. I'm getting used to you, your presence, your support.
And it's getting hard. And I wish I could be with you for real and I could be loved by you.
Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you jneed somebody to love? wouldn't you love somebody to love...?

I will choke until I swallow.

Still trying to see my reflection in your eyes. Still unsuccesfull. I see it, maybe for a moment or two and then again I see nothing. I see only you and your problems and your very busy life. Maybe you are just like that, maybe you cannot see anything but yourself. That's pity, becaufe even if you claim that you changed I still cannot see my reflection.

Roulette

I guess I just don't trust you. I don't like that you are still meeting with her. I don't like the fact that you told me she has a boyfriend and she is 'single' according to her relationship status. Yes, I'm a stalker. Yes, this argument is invalid.
But I told you that I'm just afraid of being hurt. More than i was afraid before. And if I discover you cheat on me with her I guess I will hate you. Just hate you because why did you ask me to come back in the first place. To be a toy in your hands?
I guess I just learnt to expect the worst from you.
And I guess it is better when some things remain unspoken.

And I guess I just don't know

And here we go again. When I was with you it felt like those past three months didn't happen, that we never said goodbye. It is always so normal and just ok when you are around. Like being with a friend who at the same time is your lover.
And now I'm back home and I'm not sure how I feel about you. Because during those months I was doing my best to forget about you, to tell myself that you are gone, even dead. I guess i don't love you anymore. You are someone special and you will always stay in my heart, but it's not that sweet, innocent feeling anymore. But I was to weak to say 'no' and now I'm to weak to leave again. I can't imagine not being close to you.

Now I'm just the ghost in the corner that nobody knows

maybe I'm also somebody's imaginary friend.
maybe someone has an imaginary friend who in fact is me.
You can never be sure about that stuff.